This is a curious day. I didn't sleep much last night and this morning I caught up a bit, but for the most part I'm rather foggy headed. I had a lot on my mind. I still do.
The adoption is moving along and things are going well. It's not that anything has changed. It's just that as we get closer to baby day, I'm reviewing some long held beliefs and notions about life. About people in general. I've been both impressed and extremely disenchanted. Sometimes I will get a wonderfully refreshing response from someone, and other times my expectations have been drastically fractured.
I can lament for days about how people "should" act and speak to others, but it's irrelevant and it's my own opinion. We already know the saying about opinions.
All I know is that we are 10000% ready for our child to be here. This becomes more and more true with every passing second. Ready to hold her, smell her, kiss her, sing to her, read to her, stare at her...basically drive the child looney with our attention. But still it's fueled by nothing more than love.
As for all the other stuff...it's just that. Stuff. I'm actually irritated with myself for being irritated with details. Does that make sense? After a fashion you just get tired of being frustrated. For what? To what end? How long can you allow yourself to get worked up about things that, in the whole scheme of things, don't matter? I'm a perfectionist and it's something I desperately want to change. Nothing in this world is perfect. Well...almost nothing.
This Sunday I will be worship leader at church, and I find that when I read to the congregation, I seem to pay greater attention to the words. In expressing them I am absorbing them. And as fate would have it, this coming reading comes from Matthew 7:1-5...“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
I've got plenty of my own sawdust to deal with. Real and imagined. I can't control what other people say, do or feel. I can only control my response. Right now I choose to respond with a smile. I don't have to understand them.
It's a terribly tired cliche, but I feel something like a jigsaw puzzle. The pieces are all here, it's not that any are missing. It's just that I can't quite fit everything in just yet. And though I'm not pregnant myself I seem to have vicariously acquired "pregnancy brain". It's just a mixture of anxiety, nervousness, happiness, hopefulness, fatigue and a few other assorted emotions thrown in for good measure.
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