Five More Days! (But Who's Counting?)

Somehow I got a few things accomplished today.  Laundry, dishes, office work.  Even went to the gym to work out (only to find they were closed) and then grabbed some dinner.  We watched a little television, but mostly we talked about the big day.

Today we received yet more positive news from our agency.  This has been an amazing week when it comes to good news!  I find myself constantly giving thanks to God.  I pray each night, but now I pray at any given time during the day.  I'm just completely filled with gratitude.

When we were 67 days into the wait, after we'd been matched, I found a countdown app for my phone.  Now I look at it and cannot imagine how time has passed so quickly.  It absolutely didn't feel that way at the time.  In truth the slowest part of our process was waiting to be matched.  And in fairness, we were only waiting for 2 months when the match came through.  Still, when you've waited to become a family for your entire adult life...2 months can feel like 2 years.  No matter.  Now we are here. 

We wish all of our family and friends a blessed New Year's Eve celebration and an incredible AMAZING start to 2015, and may that last the whole year through.

Six Days to Go!

I assumed that this week would go by quickly because I have a lot to do.  I assumed incorrectly.

I've been working on a few projects, some of them time sensitive, and that tends to make time speed up.  Yet nothing can throw off your internal clock like waiting for a momentous event.  Last night I watched a movie, then got restless and turned it off.  I surfed the internet for a while, watched more television, more internet, etc.  I wanted to sleep in but I was wide awake bright and early this morning.  I did some office work and figured it would be close to noon by then.  No such luck.  I took a shower.  I put away Christmas decor.  At lunch time I decided to watch some more television as a distraction, but if anything it just made me more anxious.  When hubby got home from work, I cooked dinner and even treated myself to some ice cream.  (Sugar can't hurt, right?)  Then back to baby's room I went, reorganizing.  I've sterilized bottles, repacked (probably no less than ten times) and almost completely redesigned her clothing storage.  I received a jewelry box for Christmas so I spent time on that.  Back to baby's room.  I wrote messages in many of her books so she knows who sent what.  I even read a few of her books to one of her ultrasound pictures.  I know.  It seems silly.  But right now, it's my way of connecting to her.  I feel that God is getting the messages across.

It's 10pm now and I'm going to watch some more television and hopefully fall asleep earlier than I did last night.  Tomorrow is New Year's eve.  Five whole days from our daughter's arrival.  Hubby is beyond anxious.  He is a nervous wreck.  We both are.  We are trying to stay busy.  I'm surprised he can get anything done at the office.  It's just so overwhelming. 

When we began our adoption journey I told everyone that I would write a book about the experience once our child was home.  I'm more determined than ever to do that.  So many things we have learned.  So much more to learn in the future.

Monday seems light years away, but remind me of that Sunday night.  I guarantee we'll be WIDE AWAKE!

"Good Feeling Times"

Lately we feel very tired.  When your emotions are stretched in a hundred directions, it has the curious effect of draining your physical energy.  It's not necessarily a bad thing.  It's just something we are dealing with every day as we approach our daughter's homecoming.

Today we sat in the doctor's office with Holly, and for our first time ever, watched our baby move.  Hearing their heartbeat is a surreal experience.  Seeing their face, tiny hands and feet in real time...that's something that truly does defy description.  It's like something holds all of your words inside of you, deep inside of you, and you wonder if you will ever find your voice again.  It doesn't seem to matter in that moment, because nothing could explain how you feel.  I covered my mouth with my hands.  I just stared.  We both did.  We were wide eyed and mesmerized. 

This was one of those days where good news was plentiful.  Good news about baby, good news from the agency, good news from a friend, good news from our family.  That's such an incredible feeling.

When I was a little girl and things were going very well, I took a mental "snapshot" of the moment.  I called them my "Good Feeling Times".  Then later when I was sick or scared, I would ask God if I could use one of my saved feelings.  Some would chalk it up to nothing more than an imaginative child, but the truth is it always seemed to work.  Placebo effect?  Doesn't really matter either way.  All I know is...right now I feel as though I'm storing an endless amount of those good feeling times.  I want to share them with those I know and love, and most assuredly, with our daughter. 

Our Shining Star

Tonight we are feeling a mixture of nervous energy, anticipation and general anxiety.  To put it mildly, our nerves are frayed.  It's par for the course.  In some respects, adoption may be easier because we don't have the physical pain and discomfort associated with pregnancy or delivery.  At the same time, adoption is still fraught with unknowns that make it just as worrisome as carrying a child.  In both cases, you are out of control.  You pray for the very best and keep your faith strong.

I'm not particularly worried about being a good mom.  I'm a bit worried about being a good parent.  A mom is something far more personal, more intimate.  A parent issues rules, has requirements, monitors behavior.  A mother and/or father offers unconditional love.  We may not follow the same guidelines we were given, but I have no lack of faith in our ability to provide a nurturing space.  As I told our adoption trainer, I'll probably have a problem with holding our daughter too much.  She laughed and said I had nothing to worry about.  Adopted children - infants included - need to be held often.  They need to establish a strong bond with their new family.  Our baby won't have a biological attachment to us, but we pray in due time she will recognize our faces and voices as the two people who have prayed for her since before she was created.

A few nights ago I was reading up on the observable universe.  What we can see is just as baffling as what lies beyond.  I guess it's a lot like the future.  The unknown doesn't have to be frightening.  The unknown can hold true wonder, joy and bliss.  Why should we assume otherwise?  More importantly, why would we ever choose to assume otherwise?

It's incredible to think that about nine months ago, there was a glimmer in the heavens that was intended for us.  And this time next week, we will be packing our car so we can leave bright and early the next morning...to bring our star home with us forever.  

Lantern's Glow

Today is the eve of Christmas eve.  I spent the afternoon curled up on the couch with our cats, watching Cinderella.  I didn't watch it much as a child, but as an adult I saw it many times with my nephews.  It was a favorite in their house.  Cartoons of that era had real depth.  I've grown to appreciate the classic animation and the subtle variation of light and dark.

There is something to be said for darkness.  It can seem suffocating.  It can seem endless.  But by contrast, the light is much stronger.  The light seems to hold more power.  In fact, I know it does.  We've all gone through our periods of darkness and confusion.  Then when the light returns, and it always does in some fashion, it recharges us in every aspect.

Winter is a dark season.  Yet for those of my faith, the celebration of an infinite spark of light provides sustenance during those difficult days. I'm excited for Christmas and for the priceless gift we will receive in the days to follow.  Our baby is the best present we could ever, ever imagine.

We received a very positive bit of news today regarding our adoption, and then tonight Holly let us know that the results from her last doctor's visit came back excellent.

I feel like a lantern glowing brighter and brighter with each day.

Christmas Spirit

I've always loved Christmas, but the past few years have been a bit solemn.  There is always much to be thankful for.  It's just that on this holiday more than any other, our lost loved ones seem to haunt our reverie.  Maybe it's because Christmas is a time of drawing together when so much of our modern lifestyles insist on separation and independence.

My mom has always gone all out when it comes to decorations.  Dad would be perfectly content with a small tree or perhaps a wreath on the front door.  Mom has always had other notions.  Our staircase was adorned with festive stuffed animals (on each step, no less) and bright red velvet bows draped room to room.  The tree couldn't have enough lights.  Just not a possibility.  The trees outside were no different, and mom would enlist dad's help to hang blue icicles from the eaves.  As a child I absolutely loved this.  As an adult, I miss it.

Christmas felt safe somehow.  Safe in the sense that my family was whole.  Nothing could touch us.  Despite any bickering or strife heard throughout the year, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins all seemed to get along.  At my aunt's house, laughter could be heard as soon as your feet hit the snow outside the car.  The smell of her famous Italian Christmas Eve dinner flooded the air and greeted you at the front door.  The fireplace was lit so the house was remarkably warm, there were far too many people in the kitchen, voices carried over other voices so getting a word in was difficult at best...and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Change is inevitable and not necessarily bad.  Still, it can hurt.  My uncle was taken from us without warning.  Family moved away.  Kids grew up.  Grandpa died, grandma ended up in a nursing home.  Divorce.  More loss.  More distance.

But isn't life cyclical?  The holidays seem busy and full, then more quiet and subdued.  Then the pattern repeats.  Each new life, each grandchild, niece, nephew and babe reinvigorates us and our desire to celebrate.

I miss my grandparents, all of them, and I miss the innocence of youth.  But now the baton has been passed to my husband and I.  I want our daughter to know those same sights, sounds and emotions but in an entirely new and special way.  Her way.  I want her to run down the stairs, eyes still foggy with sleep, to see the gifts Santa has waiting.   More importantly, I need to know that she will hold times like these close to her when life is difficult.  And it will be.  Something no parent can completely protect us from.

Today I did some more decorating and rather than get teary eyed (which is my typical routine) I smiled.  I listened to Gene Autry and lit candles.  I felt a happiness permeate my being.  It's something I've not felt...maybe since childhood.  And now it's because my memories are merging with my hopes for our baby.

I definitely feel Christmas inside my heart.

Tiny Toes

We took the official hospital tour. 

As we walked down each corridor, this dawning realization hit me.  This is really happening.  The nurses were extremely kind and congratulatory.  We learned where we will stay, how the delivery will unfold and how baby gets to stay in our room with us.  That itself was amazing news. 

Then we turned down another hallway and approached the transition nursery.  Peering through the glass we saw the very reason families everywhere struggle for years through fertility treatments, uncertainty, basal charts, foster care, adoption and any other possible method of becoming parents - a tiny, newborn baby.

Baby was bundled up save for his small, delicate feet.  He was calm, observing the nurse standing at his side.  I stared at him with wide eyed wonder.  A few moments later, a woman in a hospital gown shuffled out of the nursery with baby at her side.  She looked exhausted, uncomfortable.....and unbelievably happy.  We congratulated her and she smiled widely. 

At one point we heard a scream echo down the hall.  This scream was one of pain and anxiety.  It was easy to tell what that sound meant.  The nurses at the station told me to ignore those yells, and I simply smiled and said I was adopting so someone else was going to experience that on my behalf.  They all laughed.  Still, it was another strong reminder..This is really happening.

The appointment went smoothly.  Every question was answered, every concern addressed.  The hospital is beautiful and well appointed.  Everything has been arranged and scheduled.  We are to arrive two hours prior to the delivery.  One nurse pointed out several vending machines and a refrigerator where we can keep our own food, but to be honest it was the last thing I could consider.  On that morning I will be frantic.  Food will be my last concern.  Once our daughter is safely in our arms and we can officially begin our lives together, then I will worry about everything else.  At that point I'll likely be famished.

Before we left, we stopped by the doctor's office where Holly was getting her latest check up.  As we walked in the doctor smiled at us and said, "Hi mom and dad!"  We just looked at each other.  I think it's the first time in our lives we've truly felt the weight of those words.  In just over two weeks, we really will be mom and dad.

 

Good Vibes

I sipped hot chocolate and felt the warmth travel through my body.  It matched the warmth I already felt inside.  Today was a good day.  The kind of December day that really makes you appreciate the subtleties of winter and all it has to offer.    A day of family, of sights and experiences.

This evening I texted Holly and within minutes my phone rang.  She had been thinking of me too.  We had a wonderful conversation about an upcoming doctor's visit and getting to meet her family.  I think it will reassure them and in all likelihood it will reassure us as well.  Baby's arrival is so close now.  It doesn't consume my every thought.  It's just always there in the background...like a soundtrack to our lives.

It's funny.  I guess I thought as this adoption progressed, I'd have more and more to say.  I'd ramble on about my emotions, I'd wax philosophical about my dreams and wishes.  In truth I find that as time goes by, I have less to say.  I simply feel more.  I want to continue writing because so many amazing people are following our journey and offering us support and love.  I don't want anyone to feel left out of this experience.  I guess it comes down to...no news is good news!  And truthfully, lately, our updates have been very positive and we feel extremely optimistic about everything.  I know some folks are probably still concerned that we are too optimistic.  I just ask that they try to understand one irrefutable fact:  We have to remain positive in order to expect positive results.  I mean to me, that really is fact.  We need to feel and express the outcome we truly desire.

 

Better and Better

Today Holly called a few times.  There have been more positive updates and our plans are underway.  I believe now, more than ever, that baby is coming much sooner than we originally planned.  Just a feeling inside.  Holly thinks as much too.

I feel very light and full of good energy.  We have family coming to visit us and that's great in itself, let alone all the other good news we've had lately.  It's hard to believe it's almost mid December!  But our life has been very active lately and staying busy is good.

I'm still pretty amazed at how perfectly things are falling into place.  This adoption has definitely had its challenges.  I'd venture to say that all adoptions do.  Still, it's been easier than we ever dreamed.  I pray that it continues move at this pace and that everything works together for a wonderful outcome.  The anxiety and fear I felt a week ago has been replaced by genuine joy.

I remember when I looked forward to the day when I could announce that we'd been matched.  Now I look forward to the day when I can post "She is home!"  Now though, I enjoy every moment in between.  My husband and I are still a twosome for a short while.  One day soon that will change.  We are blessed now and will be blessed then.  All is good!

Hopeful News

Just a tiny update...

This afternoon Holly called with some really promising news.  She wanted to ask my feelings about an issue regarding the birth, and I truly appreciated knowing she wanted our opinion on the matter.  For the protection of the adoption I won't go into what she said, but it's something that has actually given us a lot of relief today.   Just another positive step towards what is best for all involved.  Holly also mentioned that she is beginning to dilate.  We know that we could quite literally get this call at any time and that just adds to our excitement!

I think I've folded and refolded baby's clothes for the tenth time.  Her room is so filled with light and love.  I've said that many times as well, but I can't express just how much I love being in there.  I see us being in there very soon, the three of us.  I daydream about it all the time.

Getting SO close!!

On Your Mark...

This weekend was beyond emotional.

My mother-in-law fell, ended up in the ER twice and while this was going on we got a call that our baby was quite conceivably on her way.  I was nothing short of incredulous.  Babies come early all the time, but I guess my mind didn't consider just how early ours might arrive.  It's certainly exciting to think of a Christmas gift like no other.  At the same time, we truly want our child to have as much time in utero as possible.  That world is safe, warm and nurturing for her still developing brain.  Women do safely deliver after 28 weeks, but before 37 is considered preterm and in a perfect world it's not the scenario you would choose.  As it turned out, baby was just giving us a reality check.  She and Holly are both safe and healthy.  We are tremendously thankful.  We are also grateful to know that when the call does come, we can race around our house like no one's business!  Everything was at the front door within minutes.  Bags, clothes, bottles, car seat, diapers, phone chargers, wallets, you name it.  We've got this.

Today there is an enormous sigh of relief.  My mother-in-law, someone who would give a stranger a kidney if they needed one, is doing much better after her fall.  She will heal in a few months time.  For me the hardest part wasn't a concern for her health - I knew she was going to be ok.  My concern was her fear and my husband's sadness.  He felt so completely vulnerable watching his mom go through this, not even two years after her last major injury, and it about wiped him out emotionally.  To know that in the midst of this our birth mother may suddenly be going into labor?  The look on his face was pure panic.  But God is good.  We gathered our wits and figured things out.  This morning mom is much better, more rested and more hydrated.  Our baby is still in the womb and her birth mother is healthy.  Two enormous blessings.

We are also very fortunate to have dear family and friends who will quite literally be at your side in a moments notice.  Something not everyone can say.

Last night I took the baby bags back to baby's room.  It's funny but I feel as though maybe I'm already acting like a mom.  Back in April when our adoption adventure first began, the thought of having an early delivery would have been thrilling.  I'm nothing if not impatient.  But last night, though we would have welcomed her with open arms, the practical side of me kicked in.  I knew that though most of her organs are fully formed, the extra time gaining weight and developing her brain would be truly beneficial.  So as much as we want her here, we'd rather have her here safe and sound.  A Christmas baby would be wonderful, but she is still a miracle to us...no matter her birthday.

  

5 Weeks...

This is a curious day.  I didn't sleep much last night and this morning I caught up a bit, but for the most part I'm rather foggy headed.  I had a lot on my mind.  I still do.

The adoption is moving along and things are going well.  It's not that anything has changed.  It's just that as we get closer to baby day, I'm reviewing some long held beliefs and notions about life.  About people in general.  I've been both impressed and extremely disenchanted.  Sometimes I will get a wonderfully refreshing response from someone, and other times my expectations have been drastically fractured.

I can lament for days about how people "should" act and speak to others, but it's irrelevant and it's my own opinion.  We already know the saying about opinions.

All I know is that we are 10000% ready for our child to be here.  This becomes more and more true with every passing second.  Ready to hold her, smell her, kiss her, sing to her, read to her, stare at her...basically drive the child looney with our attention.  But still it's fueled by nothing more than love.

As for all the other stuff...it's just that.  Stuff.  I'm actually irritated with myself for being irritated with details.  Does that make sense?  After a fashion you just get tired of being frustrated.  For what?  To what end?  How long can you allow yourself to get worked up about things that, in the whole scheme of things, don't matter?  I'm a perfectionist and it's something I desperately want to change.  Nothing in this world is perfect.  Well...almost nothing.

This Sunday I will be worship leader at church, and I find that when I read to the congregation, I seem to pay greater attention to the words.  In expressing them I am absorbing them.  And as fate would have it, this coming reading comes from Matthew 7:1-5...

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. ² For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
³ “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ⁴ How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? ⁵ You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

I've got plenty of my own sawdust to deal with.  Real and imagined.  I can't control what other people say, do or feel.  I can only control my response. Right now I choose to respond with a smile.  I don't have to understand them.  

It's a terribly tired cliche, but I feel something like a jigsaw puzzle.  The pieces are all here, it's not that any are missing.  It's just that I can't quite fit everything in just yet.  And though I'm not pregnant myself I seem to have vicariously acquired "pregnancy brain". It's just a mixture of anxiety, nervousness, happiness, hopefulness, fatigue and a few other assorted emotions thrown in for good measure.  

Busy Days

It seems ironic that now that we are so close to our baby being here, I'm actually paying less attention to the calendar.  Oh I definitely glance at my phone each morning and see the official countdown ticker dropping number by number...it's in the back of my mind at any given time.  But the good news is that this month is so busy for our family, it doesn't give us as much time to obsess about the time. Church is particularly active this month and we have several visits coming up with Holly.  We see her this week and then before Christmas we will see her again.  My nephew is flying in for about five days, we are planning our official baby shower, the list goes on.  It's really good to have so many other things to focus on.  I feel like before we know it..it will be the day.  The best day of our lives thus far.

If I could visit myself this time last year, I would so want to whisper into my ear..."Be patient.  In just over a year you will be parents!"  But the truth is, we weren't meant to know.  We had more growing to do as a couple and as adults.  I have learned things about myself this year. I've learned things about my husband.  One thing is for sure...I've fallen in love with him ten times over again.

We are so excited to see Holly this week.  We will create our official contact arrangement (not legally binding but still a guideline) and then in a few weeks take the official hospital tour.  It's all coming together beautifully.