Contemplation

I've always been the sort of person who remembers that one person in the room who dislikes me.  There could be hundreds who support me, but that one person will stand out time and again.  I think it's the contrast.  And that contrast can keep me up at night.

I mistakenly assumed that every person we know would be just as excited and happy for us as we are, and it's simply not the case.  Maybe it was unrealistic to assume it would be.  I felt that after our years struggling with infertility, with pregnancy loss and other losses, those we love would be enthusiastic and encouraging.  And the truth is that 98% of them have been.  So why does that 2% affect me so much?

I guess I was hoping it would finally feel like...I could celebrate.  It would finally feel as though the stars were aligned and the flowers were in bloom and all great things were converging to make for one tremendously wonderful experience.  When I was pregnant the first time, I wasn't allowed to be excited.  "It's too soon to tell anyone."  "Miscarriage is most prevalent in early pregnancy."  "Just wait and see what happens."  I did as I was told.  When we were pregnant the second time we heard the same thing.  "Remember what happened last time."  "You aren't 20 anymore."  With a heavy sigh I listened to this commentary.  So is it better to be quiet and stoic and say nothing in anticipation of failure?  When do you get to celebrate your joy?  Is there an outline of rules I missed?

Now that we're nearing the homecoming of our first child, most everyone is thrilled for us.  And we are tremendously grateful.  But then there are a few who seem completely uninvolved.  It just feels as though they don't seem to care.  And I could spend hours trying to figure out why, but once again that will put me back in the position of holding my happiness inside until the time is "right".  Well the time is right now.

I've supported women who went through what I've gone through even though they said nothing to me at the time.  I've supported families who adopted time and again when it seemed an impossibility for us.  You don't share happiness only when it benefits you, or only when you have something to be happy about.  It's not always easy.  It was sometimes extremely painful to congratulate friends who became pregnant while we were losing our child.  But our sorrow didn't diminish their joy.  Why should it?

Right now I'm going to focus more than ever on our growing family, and I hope that those we love will walk alongside us.