Excitement Builds!

Next week is when we officially plan the baby's delivery.  I am ridiculously excited!  I think *Michael is excited and mildly terrified.  This is such an enormous experience...enormous isn't a large enough word.  I find that words are so lacking these days.  They can't begin to explain everything we feel.

Our friends are throwing a shower for us soon, a shower at our home/online.  Packages are arriving and we aren't allowed to peek (tempting as it is!) but it's so wonderful to see our house filling with everything baby.  Today I feel such peace.

*Name has been changed to protect identity.

Contemplation

I've always been the sort of person who remembers that one person in the room who dislikes me.  There could be hundreds who support me, but that one person will stand out time and again.  I think it's the contrast.  And that contrast can keep me up at night.

I mistakenly assumed that every person we know would be just as excited and happy for us as we are, and it's simply not the case.  Maybe it was unrealistic to assume it would be.  I felt that after our years struggling with infertility, with pregnancy loss and other losses, those we love would be enthusiastic and encouraging.  And the truth is that 98% of them have been.  So why does that 2% affect me so much?

I guess I was hoping it would finally feel like...I could celebrate.  It would finally feel as though the stars were aligned and the flowers were in bloom and all great things were converging to make for one tremendously wonderful experience.  When I was pregnant the first time, I wasn't allowed to be excited.  "It's too soon to tell anyone."  "Miscarriage is most prevalent in early pregnancy."  "Just wait and see what happens."  I did as I was told.  When we were pregnant the second time we heard the same thing.  "Remember what happened last time."  "You aren't 20 anymore."  With a heavy sigh I listened to this commentary.  So is it better to be quiet and stoic and say nothing in anticipation of failure?  When do you get to celebrate your joy?  Is there an outline of rules I missed?

Now that we're nearing the homecoming of our first child, most everyone is thrilled for us.  And we are tremendously grateful.  But then there are a few who seem completely uninvolved.  It just feels as though they don't seem to care.  And I could spend hours trying to figure out why, but once again that will put me back in the position of holding my happiness inside until the time is "right".  Well the time is right now.

I've supported women who went through what I've gone through even though they said nothing to me at the time.  I've supported families who adopted time and again when it seemed an impossibility for us.  You don't share happiness only when it benefits you, or only when you have something to be happy about.  It's not always easy.  It was sometimes extremely painful to congratulate friends who became pregnant while we were losing our child.  But our sorrow didn't diminish their joy.  Why should it?

Right now I'm going to focus more than ever on our growing family, and I hope that those we love will walk alongside us. 

Joyful Noise

Visiting the doctor with Holly was something I was actually a bit nervous about.  I wondered how she would feel, having me right there, listening to very personal information.  I reminded myself that she asked me to come.  The entire drive there I thought about it.  I wondered  what it would feel like and what I might learn.

We didn't see the baby this time but we did hear her.  What an amazing sound!  I've only heard that once before, and it was a very different scenario.  Our biological babies were not long for this earth, but this baby..this child we are being graced with..she is healthy and strong.  Later, *Michael asked me if it made me sad.  Sad?  Not at all!  It made me feel euphoric.

Holly is very healthy and baby is too.  I drove home into the sunshine, smiling all the way.

*Names have been changed to protect identity

Venti Love

Feeling very warm inside.  Not literally but emotionally.  Just folded some of our baby's clothes and talked with *Michael about future plans.  I spend so much time in her room.  I've said it before, but the nursery is so calming and healing.  The color, the furniture, the items we've collected so far.  I get recharged in there.  I am reminded of what matters and the immense joy that awaits us.

I was getting ready to head upstairs for the evening when I stopped by the kitchen to get some water.  I drink a lot of water, especially out of my favorite gold and purple Starbucks tumbler.  It doesn't change the taste.  It doesn't have any particularly incredible qualities in terms of water storage or temperature maintenance.  But there is something very special about this tumbler. 

...Cue Scooby Doo style daydream music...

We had arranged to meet our social worker one balmy Wednesday evening in early August.  She suggested Starbucks, and we agreed.  Once there she greeted us with an enormous smile and our official home study report.  It was time to sign our names because we had passed.  It was a moment I thought about for the longest time.  A moment I spent many hours worrying about, but here it was at last.

She hugged us and shared words of congratulations.  As she left, I realized I wanted a celebratory beverage.  I ordered my typical decaf caramel macchiato and then noticed some shiny gold mugs and tumblers on a display.  Something about the color intrigued me and I decided to buy my own.

Each time I drink water I am reminded of the incredible feeling of signing our home study, and knowing that meant we were indeed qualified and ready to adopt a child of our own. 

My beloved Starbucks "home study" tumbler

*Name changed to protect identity.

Gratitude

Our agency is pretty amazing.  I had a conversation with them this morning about meeting our BM this past week.  We work hand in hand with the owner of our agency and she has been extremely supportive and communicative.  She wanted our input as to how things went, how things are progressing and what we hope for the months ahead.

I tried to explain the multitude of emotions we've gone through.  It's hard, to say the least.  Excited but scared.  Anxious but worried.  Concerned but joyful.  It's almost a numbing sensation.  You don't know which way to go or how exactly to feel.  We're definitely thrilled but we also want to remain grounded and not get overly attached to our BM.  Not because we fear her rejection, but because we think we need to maintain a healthy amount of distance.  It would be just as detrimental to her if we became very close.  It seems that, especially at this stage, it would only complicate her emotions.

We are thankful for the outpouring of encouragement we have received.  It never ends!  It gives us strength.  There is no potentiality that we have not considered.  All we choose to focus on is the joy of bringing our child home forever.

The Adventure Continues

This afternoon we headed out on the road to meet our potential birth mother.  We were nervous all day, though I felt confident.  Somehow my stomach didn't get the update.  Not five minutes down the road we had to pull over.  It's as though every possible fear and all the uncertainty got together and hit me at once.  I leaned back, took deep breaths and focused on our goal.

*Holly is not what I expected, but then, I don't know what I expected.  I think I assumed she would be very quiet and maybe a bit distant.  It was quite the opposite.  She was very forthright, outgoing and friendly.  She is also very honest about her situation.  There have been struggles in her life and she is dealing with those the best way she knows how.  But one thing was clear - Holly is determined to make her life better and to see that this baby has a solid upbringing.

Certain things about us are very important to her:  Our religion, our hobbies and other small but meaningful details about us.  The initial family she met with did not work out and I was very honest in telling her I wasn't too upset about that.  She laughed.  Holly shared her ultrasound photo with us, as well as a piece of paper showing the baby's sex.  Holly purposely avoided looking at the monitor.  She did not want to know the sex, and does not want to see the baby.   She is trying with everything in her being to stay emotionally detached from this child. It's not completely possible, to be fair.  But her goal is to get through the remainder of her pregnancy and then work on her own life.  She feels that once this happens, later on, she can look forward to a relationship with this child.

Holly is also very honest about the level of involvement she would like.  Updates, emails.  Maybe getting together on special occasions.  Yet she made it clear that she does not want to mother this baby.  That will be our job, one I look forward to more than I can say.

We embraced her as we left, and made plans to see her again this weekend to meet her other child.  It's very important to her that we do.  After that, I will go to her next doctor's visit and then we will take it from there.  I asked her if she is considering anyone else to parent her child (outside of us) and she said no.  We are it.

Of course I will have a healthy amount of fear in this process - I will be nervous until the day we bring our child home.  I think that's normal for all adoptive families.  Pray for the best, remain cautiously optimistic.

Tonight at dinner we laughed, we got misty eyed and we embraced.  It's a wonderful start to what we hope will be a healthy, loving experience for each of us.

*Name has been changed to protect privacy.

Expect the Unexpected!

Sitting at my desk, working quietly on this and that, when suddenly the phone rings.  Not just any ring tone, but the ring tone I chose specifically for our agency.  In truth I've never heard it before.  The last time they called, they used an unknown number (which is why I didn't answer at the time) and so I've never really had the chance to hear this melody...until now.

I answered frantically and the first thing she said was, "I'm SO glad you answered the phone!"  That was a good start to the conversation!  She explained that our birth mother had met with the couple she initially had an interest in, and for many reasons, it has not worked out.  They've not treated her very well and they've been very slow to communicate - if they communicate at all.  This of course baffles me.  You're on a waiting list to adopt so you can...call me crazy...adopt!  If the birth mother isn't the right choice for you, or her situation seems unfavorable, just be upfront and tell her so.  I don't think it's fair to string her along that way.

In any event, their choice has led to our opportunity!  Now our birth mother is ready to meet with us THIS week, and I am beside myself.  I almost couldn't process the phone call.  It seems surreal!  I know this was the original plan, but in all honesty, after the other couple I kind of let the idea go.  I assumed she would choose them and I felt ok with that because I knew it would be what she thought was best.  I think our faith in her has been a blessing in many ways.

Tomorrow is her next ultrasound which will definitively determine the sex.  (We thought for sure it was a girl, but they said it may not be after all!)  She had originally invited the other couple to come and they said no.  I don't know why.  But our agency said they wished we had the opportunity to go with her, if we'd already met her.  I do too.  Still, we are thrilled.  I wonder if I will sleep until the day we meet?  This feels like Christmas times a million.

Still praying!

True Faith

Late last night we heard from our agency.  Our birth mother is meeting with another family (one she had originally planned on) and depending on how that goes, she may then meet with us.  We've always known this was a possibility, and honestly the news didn't affect me like some might suspect.  At first I felt very sad and disenchanted.  But that feeling didn't last for long.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I actually want her to pursue this other family first.

I don't want anyone to place their child into our hands and lives without being absolutely sure that it's what they want.  That it's what their heart calls for.  I want them to know, as much as they ever can, that we are the perfect family for their baby.  So the way I see it...if this baby is intended for us (and us for them) it will happen.  And if this child is in fact suited for another family, I have no doubts ours will soon be here as well.  I think finally realizing that our profile book has been viewed, and favorably so, has really affected my confidence in great ways.  I know we will be a family.  I believe it now more than ever.

Truthfully, we could still be the family she chooses.  And if so, we will welcome the news!  But if not, our child is just around the corner.

Dreamy

Rainy and very chilly here today.  Worked out at the gym and kind of zoned out as I tend to do.  I find that exercise really helps me think.

Little one's room is such a calm, peaceful, loving space.  I go in there all the time and just look around, smiling.  It's as though I get recharged in there.  It doesn't hurt that my mom sent us a "Baby Magic" scented air freshener.

Hoping to hear some news soon regarding our birth mother.  I feel we'll probably have an update by this weekend.  The good news is we have a lot going on and it will keep us occupied. 

Wonderful Day

Today is one of those autumn days that seem like something right out of a Rockwell painting.  Azure skies, brilliant sunshine and copper leaves.  We walked through a local fall festival and enjoyed fresh apple cider.  I stopped to take a few photos and then stood still for a moment, savoring the morning air.  I felt nothing short of happy.

Why does happiness seem so elusive?  Is it the adage of chasing something and never quite catching up to it?  Or is it that we ignore what should make us happy by instead desiring what could make us happy?

I think we need to stick to our goals, move forward with as much momentum as possible, and in the interim embrace every tiny detail.  I can't count the times I've been worried about X and then X either didn't happen when I was afraid it would, did happen when I was sure it wouldn't, or was ten times easier than I anticipated.

I am doing my best to acknowledge all the blessings I have, from the smallest to the greatest.

Very hopeful we will hear more next week about our birth mother.

Happy fall!

Busy Day

The weather lately has been nothing short of beautiful.  Autumn has definitely arrived.  The air is crisp, cool and dry.  I've never been able to figure it out exactly, but I just generally feel and think better in the fall and spring.  So far, this fall is starting out as no exception.

Today I am cleaning up odds and ends around the house.  Our home doesn't get dirty, but it does get cluttered at times.  In fact I plan to go through boxes I've already consolidated, to "re-consolidate", if you will.  We'll need as much room as possible when baby arrives.

When baby arrives..what a wonderful thought.  Right now our birth mother is making some choices.  Our agency is encouraging her to do what is best for baby and for her situation, and I pray she continues to believe that we are that solution.  I'm just keeping my faith strong and my spirit optimistic. 

Many (and I do mean many) people in this world point out all the what-if scenarios in adoption.  I have considered each of those situations in full.  Still, I know that *Michael and I will be loving, kind parents and I firmly and unequivocally believe that the child we are meant to raise and grow with will be here soon.  The child intended for us is the child we are intended for.  It's a shared destiny, one I've often worried about in years passed, but now feel more confident about than ever before.

*Name has been changed to protect identity.

We've Been Matched!

As I sit here typing this, I imagine all of the mistakes I will make in the words ahead.  Forgive me if I do, but my mind is absolutely reeling.

I finished painting our child's room today and really love how it turned out.  It took several days to get enough coats and now it is so bright and happy.  We built the toy box last night and more and more we can see our little one romping around this room.  Today as I finished the last touch of paint, I sighed and smiled.

This afternoon I was cooking dinner when an odd number called my phone.  I didn't answer because we get lots of telemarketer/solicitor calls.  But after about 10 minutes my voice mail chimed, and I thought that really odd.  Who leaves such a lengthy voice mail?  We sat down to eat and I checked my message, then dropped my fork.  It was our agency!  (Ironically I remember thinking I would hear *her* voice and sure enough this time I did.)  She had called us from a different number which is why I didn't recognize it.

The message explained that a young woman northeast of us saw our book and "fell in love" with us.  She had originally chosen a different kind of family, but our agency decided to show our book anyway.  We are so thankful they did!  This woman has had a very hard time in her life, and more than ever she needs support.  She needs to know she's not alone.  There are other circumstances that I won't go into at this time, to protect both her anonymity and privacy as well as the privacy of this stage of the adoption, but ultimately she appreciated what she read about us and it moved her enough to consider us her number one family.

One thing she apparently really liked is the church we belong to.  She herself used to go to a church like ours and respects what we stand for.  She also loves to hike, just like us.

We will get more information in a few days and then if all continues to go well, we will meet her for dinner with her social worker and our agency president.  She really wants to see us face to face, and I completely understand that.  How can we begin to describe the enormity of her decision?  If I were her, I would need to know the potential family my child was becoming part of.  It would be essential to me.

Tonight I feel so completely....complete.  Not as complete as when we hold our child in our arms, but I feel like I can exhale.  I feel like things are moving and coming together.  I feel a sense of peace.  I feel tremendous excitement.  I feel sadness for what this young mother is going through.  I pray she sees in us what we believe we see in ourselves, and that everything falls into place.  I pray we are the forever family for this little one who will be here in January.  I pray, I pray, I pray.