Introspection

Some random thoughts today...

A friend of ours has a beautiful baby, one I'm often gazing at with hopeful anticipation.  Seeing babies used to be downright painful.  I avoided it as much as possible.  I felt a mix of anxiety and sadness that I couldn't quite swallow.  What made this worse was the fear that if anyone knew how I felt, they'd call me selfish and think badly of me.  I became distant and quiet instead.  This went on for several months after both miscarriages.  It's not something I wanted.  I've always innately known that begrudging someone their happiness won't give you any blessings - none worth having.  I think it's important to know that if anyone in your life has gone through this or is going through this, being patient is absolutely key.  Giving them their space and time.  We don't get to decide how anyone feels, much less how they process their pain.

Our kiddo's room is well under way.  We changed our color choice and are much happier with the blue than yellow.  (Cool water by Behr, to be precise)  My parents purchased us an adorable dresser and toy box, and tomorrow we're getting a new lamp.  I find myself going in their room more and more often.  It's a very happy space.

For any family who is struggling with infertility, loss or waiting to be matched, know that you have an extended family who may not understand your specific path but who absolutely can empathize with your journey.  Know that it's completely normal and reasonable to feel a myriad of emotions from sadness to anger to indifference.  It just reminds you how important this life decision is.  If you stay strong, and as difficult as it can be, if you hold onto hope, you can make it through.  Physical pain will subside.  Emotional pain can be resolved, at least in a manageable way.  And the waiting...which in some ways is the hardest part...one day down is another day closer.  Don't ever forget that.