Staying Centered

Lately we've had an absolute rush of activity around us.  Since April of this year everything in our lives has centered on one focus - adoption.  We've been riding on a wave of countless forms, background checks, certifications, classes, interviews and statements and by the beginning of October we landed (abruptly) at the feet of a woman who somehow chose us out of many potential families.  It was our prayer to be sure, something we prayed for for so long...but when that call came, we were incredulous.  Now we've had an online shower for long distance friends and another is in the works for family and friends who can join us locally.  Our baby's room went from a sage green guest room/office to a sea blue nursery filled with colorful farm animals and a rainbow of tiny, delicate clothes and stuffed animals.  We have two car seats, diaper bags, books, formula, diapers and all the requisite newborn items.  Everything that can be in place at this point in time, is.  And so maybe it was inevitable that last night, I lost it.

I walked into the nursery and glanced at a row of shiny peach baby hangers perched on the rail of the crib.  There is nothing inherently threatening about baby hangers, but all of a sudden these seemingly innocuous items hit me like a ton of bricks.  In about one month and one week, our child will be here.  It won't be the two of us anymore.  Everything about our lives is about to change always and in all ways.  A surge of panic raised through me and I began to cry.  It's as though it all came out at once.  All the fears, the excitement, the uncertainty, the hopes...everything that comes with becoming a new parent.  I sat in the nursery, in the dark, and cried until I was breathless.  Will we be ok?  Will I be a good mom?  Will our marriage change?  Will friendships change?  Will our child even like us?  Will I make huge mistakes?  For 30+ years I have waited for this and now that it's looming before us like the sun, I felt very small and very scared.

I'm not sure why this happened when it did, but I guess it's not unusual.  The good thing is I was able to calm down.  I was able to breathe and refocus.  We will make mistakes as parents.  That's a given.  But it's all part of the experience.  I need to take one moment at a time.  Rome wasn't built in a day.