Staying Centered

Lately we've had an absolute rush of activity around us.  Since April of this year everything in our lives has centered on one focus - adoption.  We've been riding on a wave of countless forms, background checks, certifications, classes, interviews and statements and by the beginning of October we landed (abruptly) at the feet of a woman who somehow chose us out of many potential families.  It was our prayer to be sure, something we prayed for for so long...but when that call came, we were incredulous.  Now we've had an online shower for long distance friends and another is in the works for family and friends who can join us locally.  Our baby's room went from a sage green guest room/office to a sea blue nursery filled with colorful farm animals and a rainbow of tiny, delicate clothes and stuffed animals.  We have two car seats, diaper bags, books, formula, diapers and all the requisite newborn items.  Everything that can be in place at this point in time, is.  And so maybe it was inevitable that last night, I lost it.

I walked into the nursery and glanced at a row of shiny peach baby hangers perched on the rail of the crib.  There is nothing inherently threatening about baby hangers, but all of a sudden these seemingly innocuous items hit me like a ton of bricks.  In about one month and one week, our child will be here.  It won't be the two of us anymore.  Everything about our lives is about to change always and in all ways.  A surge of panic raised through me and I began to cry.  It's as though it all came out at once.  All the fears, the excitement, the uncertainty, the hopes...everything that comes with becoming a new parent.  I sat in the nursery, in the dark, and cried until I was breathless.  Will we be ok?  Will I be a good mom?  Will our marriage change?  Will friendships change?  Will our child even like us?  Will I make huge mistakes?  For 30+ years I have waited for this and now that it's looming before us like the sun, I felt very small and very scared.

I'm not sure why this happened when it did, but I guess it's not unusual.  The good thing is I was able to calm down.  I was able to breathe and refocus.  We will make mistakes as parents.  That's a given.  But it's all part of the experience.  I need to take one moment at a time.  Rome wasn't built in a day.

Thanksgiving

I've often wondered why we select one day of the year to be thankful.  Yet some years it has made sense to me.  When bogged down in sadness or anger, it can be difficult if not impossible to see any light.  There can seem very little to be thankful for.  But God does have His way.  At almost 40 I've finally realized there is little sense in trying to figure out the how, when or why.  I'm just grateful that my dreams are coming true now.  Yesterday was a lesson to get me to today.

Holly sent us the most beautiful message.  It was a holiday wish, but more than that, it was a reminder that this time next year we will have an extra seat at the table.  She said that she is thankful for us, and that means more than I can say.  We are so incredibly thankful for her, her courage and compassion too.

Today the country is in a state of unrest.  Fighting and riots, emotional turmoil.  I hope somehow peace will find its way back.  I pray that our baby can grow up in a world of kindness.  I know that's a tall order.  Still, we will do our very best to make sure that at least her immediate world is filled with love.  Hate begets hate.  Violence begets violence.  Nothing is ever solved that way.  Yet despite this noise, I am filled with gratitude and hope for the future.

Warm Fuzzies

When I was young, my father's company collected "Warm Fuzzies".  They are tiny balls of fluff with big eyes and feet, and they typically have an attached satin ribbon bearing words of wisdom.  Dad's had company slogans, but most often they came with encouraging statements.  They were supposed to be a visual representation of the feeling you get from happy thoughts.  I know...I'm kind of beating a metaphor here.

Anyway, today we took one of our furkids to the vet and while there the subject of our adoption came up.  Our vet was unabashedly happy for us.  I mean it was kind of surprising just how happy he was at hearing the news.  Maybe it's because of our very real love for our cats, but he told us over and over how we are going to make "wonderful parents."  You might think that wouldn't be an overly moving sentiment coming from our veterinarian.  (Then again, if you think that, you don't know us very well.)  This man knows how much we cherish our boys.  They are our family.  So to hear his excitement meant an awful lot to us.  (Plus he offered advice as he and his wife just had their first baby last year!)

Now I'm thinking of those Warm Fuzzies and how lately we are feeling so very much that way.   We gets words of support, love and encouragement.  We have people in our life whom we haven't even known that long, treating us like their very own.  We are all family.  Biology is no indicator of closeness.  We are living that now, and when our baby is in our arms, we will know it in a new and miraculous way.

Excitement Grows

Each day feels like Christmas.  We keep getting more and more gifts in the mail from friends out of our state, even out of our country!  Our baby is so incredibly loved by so many people.  It's a feeling that is incomparable for me.

Tomorrow is another doctor's appointment.  I'm always anxious on the way, and then once there, hearing that rhythmic sound...it's almost meditative.  It's calming and reassuring.  The last time we heard her heartbeat, we realized that we were sitting there with our child.  It's kind of surreal when you think of it that way.

Tonight I put away more onesies, sleepers and unbelievably tiny socks.  The room is so colorful, warm and bright.  I go in there several times a day and at night I spend quite a bit of time just sitting there, looking around.  This time I turned off the light and prayed.  I pray that Holly is healthy, that our baby is strong, that the adoption goes exactly as we intend and plan.  Most of all I can't wait to hold her.  I can't even imagine how that will feel.  So many years of crying, praying, begging...wondering what we were doing wrong.  Wondering if it would ever happen.  And now we are just 6 weeks away from bringing her home forever.

God is good AMAZING.

A Day of Celebrating

This weekend we enjoyed an amazing online baby shower.  Friends from all over gathered to share words, love and what turned out to be a day of laughter and sunshine.  It was such an incredible event.  Our baby has more aunts and uncles than I have ever realized!

Last night I reflected on how far we've come.  This entire process started in April, and here we are now, so close to baby's arrival.  People warned us that adoption could take years and years - for many it has.  In our case it has been much faster.  In fact, it will be about the length of a pregnancy!  From start to finish.  So we could not be more thankful.  I express thanks each night in my prayers.

Baby has another appointment this week so will get to hear their heartbeat again.  That's such a meaningful experience.  One day soon we will hold baby close and hear that heartbeat ear to chest.  What an unbelievable day that will be.

I pray I will be a good mother.  If we are half the parents our parents are, this child will be in wonderful care.

Feeling extraordinarily grateful.

 

Trust

I am deciding to have complete faith in this adoption process.  Originally I was hesitant.  I was cautious.  I believed that too much trust would just lead to hurt or disappointment.  To an extent, that is always a possibility in life.  But this morning I am looking at things in a new way...

I've spent the better part of 39 years being afraid of many, many things.  My own shadow.  Debt.  Failure.  Betrayal.  Abandonment.  Loss.  Shame.  Guilt.  The list goes on and on.  I've been afraid of letting people down and of being let down.  Afraid of hoping for the best and then not being  prepared for the worst.  And more than anything, I've been afraid of the worst.

So what exactly is the worst?  A few scenarios come to mind.  But why on earth would I choose to give any energy at all to those fates?  It's the age old dilemma - is the glass half full or half empty?  Are pessimists more realistic, or are they more likely to fall because of their lack of faith?

All I know is this:  I've taken some major chances in recent years.  Chances I would never have dreamed of 20 years ago.  I have not stepped but leapt from my comfort zone into unfamiliar terrain, and it has only served me well.  My dreams have, one by one, become reality.  None of this would have happened had I kept my old tendency of being terrified of the unknown.

Life is all about getting up over and over again.  Sometimes we lose our will.  I have felt that way many times.  But when the goal is so close - when you can see the proverbial finish line - I think the worst thing in the world to do is give up.  It's not that you didn't learn anything along the way.  Effort is never wasted.  It's just that nothing can propel you as far toward your next dream as realizing the dream right in front of you.

Adoption is scary.  Talk about unknowns.  And there are plenty of reasons to feel it's not worth the risk.  For me, however, none of the reasons compare to the risk of never pursuing our family.  Of taking the path of least resistance and just being content with now.  You in fact have to be content with now, I believe.  But there is more.  So much more.  A small part of me will continue to hold my breath until the paperwork is signed, filed and decreed.  The difference is, it's not because I don't have faith that our child is coming home to us.  It's because we are choosing to stay steady on our feet.

I was on the JV drill team, but didn't try out for varsity because I knew I'd fail.  I didn't audition for community theater because I knew I would fudge my lines.  I didn't pursue a legal career in child advocacy because others said I am too emotional and it would be too hard for me.  Time after time I gave up before ever even trying.  To what end?  Sure, maybe I spared myself some embarrassment.   In the end though, all I learned was that I didn't have enough faith in myself to give it a chance.  If I have zero faith in me, why should anyone else?

I believe in our ability to be loving parents, and I have ultimate faith in God.  The rest is just details.

 

Unexpected Hello

This afternoon I was working on my computer when Holly called.  In all honesty I felt a little surge of concern.  I guess everything makes me anxious these days!  She just called to say hello and see how we were, which I thought was very sweet.  I explained that I would call her as well from time to time, but she works such long hours I don't want to bother her.  She talked about the birth plan for baby and how she feels about everything.  She is remaining strong, but acknowledges that it will be a very hard time for her once she gives birth.  I can't imagine how she will feel.  I told her we will all be emotional without a doubt.  It just felt good to talk to her.  It seems like she is becoming more and more fond of us...at least I pray so.  Each time we see her we feel better and better.

Next week we have another doctor's visit and maybe, just maybe, an ultrasound.  No matter what...it will be amazing to her our baby's heartbeat again.  Even being in the same room with Holly feels special.

Baby's room is filling quickly!  It's beyond wonderful to see all the new items waiting to be opened, knowing our child will soon be part of this home.  Counting the days!

One Step Closer

This afternoon we went to another doctor's visit with Holly.  Her energy felt different somehow..lighter.  Each time we see her it seems her mood is more and more relaxed, cheerful and calm.  That does a lot to make us feel, well, the very same way.

The doctor confirmed that once again, all is well.  Baby's heartbeat is normal, she is active and by all accounts everything is going as it should be.  This is always a reassurance to us.

On the way home I felt very....well...lonely I guess.  Lonely for our child.  I know how far we've come and how the remaining days until her birth are relatively few.  It's not that.  I think it's the realization of how very long we've waited for this child, how long I've dreamed of the day we become parents - forever parents - and now that we're so much closer to that reality I can feel the weight of this journey in a new way.  I feel blessed and nervous and anxious.  I feel such longing and hope.  I feel tremendous gratitude and humility.  All of these emotions are kind of bundled up all together and make for a rather curious state of mind.  As *Michael pointed out, our child was in our car today.  That close and yet still she has much to do.  Her body is still growing and her brain is still developing.  But being that close to her, even when she can't see us, is pretty amazing.

These days I don't blog as much because I'm just staying busy.  That's a very good thing.

Our first baby shower is next weekend and we are so excited.  More than anything, we're excited for the energy that this celebration will bring.  We have amazing, supportive friends and family who continue to make this adventure the most incredible yet.

Each night I go into our baby's room and talk to her teddy bear.  I'm sure plenty of folks would think that strange.  It just helps me.  I feel like I'm somehow communicating my feelings to our child.  Maybe I think the bear will hold all of this wonderful energy inside, and then when our daughter lays in her bassinet, she will feel that love.  She's loved beyond words.