FAQ's

When we began the adoption process, I scoured the internet for information.  I found a lot - but much of it was outdated, biased and quite often just plain wrong.  This isn't to say that I don't have my own bias when it comes to this experience, but I made the decision right then and there that once our adoption was complete (or near complete) I would talk about what really happened.  The incredible highs and the hold-your-breath lows. 

Myth - Adoption is not for everyone.
True.
You want to conceive but can't.  You get pregnant but the pregnancies aren't viable for long.  You simply think adoption is the choice for your family because you don't want to add to the population.  Whatever your reasons, adoption can be the greatest blessing of a lifetime.  But even blessings come with obstacles.  

Whether you choose domestic, international or foster adoption, there is a lot involved that you may or may not be prepared for upfront.  So before you begin this unbelievable journey, be sure to do your homework.  This doesn't mean reading a few brochures or taking the advice of some friends.  You need to be completely aware of what you are facing..the good and the bad.

Myth - Adoption is very expensive.
Mostly true.
If you choose to foster a child, not only are the immediate costs low to none, but the state will actually assist you with their care.  (Laws vary.)  If you choose domestic or international adoption, there is substantial cost.  If you use a facilitator along with an agency you could pay twice as much.  Private adoptions may be cheaper yet, but you definitely need to be sure you are covering all your bases with regard to legal issues.  You don't want to find out the hard way that some form did not get signed properly.  Domestic adoption can range from $5000 to $40,000 while international can get much higher still.  Plus international adoption requires travel and sometimes lengthy visits in the country of origin.  All things to consider.  There is an adoption tax credit available in the US for up to $13,000 which can help.

Myth - Newborn adoption is easier because of instant attachment/bonding.
Completely false.
Sure, a newborn has nothing to go by short of the sound of their birth mother's voice and heartbeat, but this in no way means the attachment phase will be easy - or even quick.  Becoming an adoptive parent is one of the most emotional experiences you can go through.  You have the obvious concerns associated with adoption on top of new parent jitters.  This can impede the bonding process.  Adoptive mothers go through hormonal changes that are very similar to those of a birth mother.  In some respects, an older child may be a bit easier because they can communicate their worries, fears and joys.

Myth - Adopted children are never truly accepted by society/family.
Depends on your family.
As for us, our baby girl is 100% ours.  There is no distinction drawn in our family or among our friends.  I wish I could say this was always true for everyone.  Multiracial adoption can be a struggle for both parents and child because of aesthetic and cultural differences.  Sometimes it doesn't matter that the child resembles you because there is occasionally a stigma associated with adoption.   Make sure that the people around you are supportive and loving.  Make sure you are bringing this child into a healthy environment.

Myth - Adoption takes years and years.
Sometimes.
Our domestic newborn adoption took 9 months from the day we contacted the agency to the day our daughter was born.  Sometimes they can take two or more years.  The average range with most agencies seems to be about 15+ months.  But there are cases when a child is placed within days of a home study being complete.  Don't let possible waits deter you.  Look at it this way...the time will pass anyway.  Why not be proactive in the meantime?

Myth - Open adoption is just glorified babysitting.
Most often false.
There are always horror stories about birth parents who don't respect boundaries.  On the whole, open adoptions have fewer issues because the birth family knows they have access to updates and possibly even visits with the child.  This is of course at your discretion.  Once parental rights are terminated, the biological family has zero legal recourse when it comes to when and if they have any contact with your child.  Still, knowing there is communication available makes it much more likely that the birth family will proceed with the adoption and will not change their minds.

Part II coming soon...
 

Left Foot, Right Foot...

From down the hall I could hear the soft strains of a lullaby.  My eyes were heavy.  I blinked slowly, trying to shut out the sunlight filtering through the window blinds.  I took a deep breath and pulled my daughter close to me.  She fussed and flailed a small fist, then settled back into a comfortable position.  She felt so warm.  She felt safe.  So different from this time two weeks ago.

Bringing our baby home from the hospital was a whirlwind of activity, emotions and new experiences.  Fear, elation, joy, confusion, fatigue, worry, the list goes on.  Nothing that any new parent hasn't gone through, with one glaring exception:  I've never gone through this.

My husband is strong.  He worries, he frets.  He gets frustrated and whispers pleas into her dark nursery, begging her to get some sleep.  But he has stepped into the role of father like no one I've ever known.  It fits him. It's as though it's always been.

For me, the first days of motherhood were plagued with nothing short of terror.  Was I really qualified?  Why was she crying?  Did I feed her ten minutes ago or an hour ago?  If I feed her again now will she get sick?  Was this the wrong formula?  Why isn't she smiling more?  When she does smile, does it mean anything?  Is she happy?  Does she know we are her parents?  Will she bond with us?  Will I bond with her?  Will her birth mother have a radical change of heart?  Have I just made a leap of faith over a chasm so great, I can't possibly land on my feet?

None of this is unusual.  What was unusual was my sadness.  This was the absolute, hands down, once in a lifetime opportunity I had prayed for for three decades.  Now this breathing, thriving, glorious gift was in my arms and...I didn't know how to feel.  It was as though someone threw me into a lake and held me under water.  I could not catch my breath, and the longer I stayed down there in the murky depths of my subconscious, the greater removed I felt from the life I once knew.

Our old life was fulfilling.  We went on trips.  We went hiking.  We went to the movies.  We slept in on the weekends.  We had dates.  We lived our lives.  We longed for a child to share this life with, and now she was here.  Time to celebrate!  Time to rejoice.  Instead I sat in her room at 3am, looking at this tiny, helpless soul and crying into my hands. 

I started reading.  Fast.  I did research.  I looked into why I felt as I did, and unbelievably, I found answers.  I was not alone.

Each day since has been better.  You have to crawl before you walk, pardon the pun, and in my case I'm just as much a newborn as our daughter.  I'm learning.  I'm learning who she is when she herself doesn't even know.  Most of all, I'm learning about my role as her mother.  It's a title I thought impossible.  You see, people don't just hand you the title of "mother".  It's not like a placard on your desk.  It's something to be earned.  I want to earn it. 

Nights are still hard.  Her colic, fear, hunger or general displeasure with this scary new world makes for very little sleep.  Sometimes I can't function.  I can't even finish sentences.  I skip words.  I hold onto the bannister on the stairs for fear of falling.  I wouldn't even try to drive these days.  I'm simply too tired. 

My husband is tired too, but he has been such a strong support.  The strongest yet.  He understands in a way others don't, and what he doesn't understand he accepts as my journey.  He loves me unconditionally.  He knows we will be great parents.  It takes time.

Our baby doesn't scare me today.  I still worry about the details, and I always will, but I've found  more peace with this new place in my life.  I will continue to improve because quite simply, I refuse not to.

Sleep will come some day.  Sanity along with it.  Until then, I am struggling each day to take care of myself and all my other responsibilities.  The world doesn't buy the reasoning, "But we're new parents".  Bills still come, chores still need tending to. 

We will be ok.  We will be better than ok.  But I want people to know there is no shame in postpartum depression or the lesser known PADS.  (Post Adoption Depression Syndrome)  There is no greater life change than the addition of a new child to a family.  It's a wonderful blessing, the best there is, and because of that it is also downright intimidating.  There are a million feelings to process and so we have got to be gentle with ourselves.  In order to be the best mom I can be, I have to take care of myself.  I have to show patience with my progress.  I will get there soon, I know.  I have the best motivator ever...a baby girl.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow

I think after a week of increasing anxiety, my body finally gave in to exhaustion.  I slept very well last night.  I woke this morning and looked up at the sunrise.  Spent a lot of time thinking.  We got dressed for the cold January air and headed to church.

Our old Protestant church stands proudly at the corner of a suburban intersection.  It has a long history of strong, compassionate parishioners.  Today's congregation is no exception.  After delivering the sermon, our pastor called everyone forward to surround my family.  We held hands and bowed our heads.  Together we prayed for the success of our adoption, for strength for our birth mother and for a healthy child.  I did well until I uttered the words, "We pray for a successful adoption because this has been such a long journey."  Then the floodgates opened.  All the sadness, the disappointment, the heaviness of the past few years poured out of my heart and soul.  In that moment, I felt the strength of my church in a whole new way.  It's like when you tell someone you love them.  You mean it.  You mean it or you wouldn't say it.  But when you actually, truly feel the weight of that statement...it's life changing.  The energy in the sanctuary of our one hundred year old church was that of pure light.  
 
We enjoyed a family lunch and then went to the grocery store for a few items.  We still can't imagine being very hungry next week, but we did pick up a few snacks for our stay at the hospital.  Once home we checked our bags, made sure we have everything in order and now we're trying to stay occupied.  Hubby is watching football, I'm working on this and that.  We will definitely spend lots of cuddle time with our boys (cats) this evening.  They will always be our kids too, even if they are fanged and a little fluffier.

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of our lives.  We are thankful to every single person who has, in their own way, helped us through this process.  To those who have prayed and who continue to pray, those who have supported us emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  Your words have been like a comforting embrace.  Your shows of love are priceless.  Our journey isn't over...it's only beginning.  We pray that you will continue to be part of our adventure.

2 More Days of Being a Twosome

I woke up sometime after 3 am.  Hubby was already awake.  We talked for quite a bit.  I told him about a wonderful dream I'd just had.  In my dream, a nurse placed our daughter into my arms.  I was in awe of her and then she smiled at me.  It felt so vivid, so true.

We went downstairs after it was clear we wouldn't be falling back to sleep any time soon. He made coffee, I ate some oatmeal.  We watched a You Tube video about horseshoeing. (Odd choice, but this is the result of sleep deprivation and mindless anticipation.)  I was still so tired but it was time to call my mom, something I do each Saturday and Sunday morning.  It's currently 9 am so I won't be getting any more Z's for now.

Today we have to install the car seat.  We did that once, but took it out when family came to town. Now it goes back in permanently. My camera is fully charged, our bags are packed and *knock on wood* we seem to have everything ready to go.

We have lunch and dinner plans today and that's a blessing. Tomorrow we have church and then...back home to make sure we really did remember everything. Because Monday morning, bright and early, we head to the hospital.

How did we make it this far?  It's hard to imagine.  I've said this before, but I wish I could hug the me from a year ago, even the me from 3 months ago, and tell her that all would be well.  But life has its way.  We learn as we go.  I think deep down, actually I know deep down, I knew this day would come.  It was just a matter of when.

In approximately 50 hours, our daughter will be here.

Countdown..3 Days to Go!

My schedule is completely out of whack.  Whenever my husband gets a day off in the middle of the week, it confuses us both.  I was surprised he was able to get to the office today.  His mind is in a million places and I'd venture to say "on his job" is not one of them.  But he received a wonderful blessing.  His coworkers and boss presented us with a card and gift.  We did not expect that and we are extremely grateful!  Another coworker gave us an enormous bag full of baby clothes, hats, towels and more.  Sometimes the generosity of people can really warm your spirit.

The sun is brilliant today.  I danced around the house.  If I wasn't aware of my own feelings, I would know that I'm in a great mood because I only dance when I'm really happy.  I even picked up one of our boys (the feline variety) and scooted around the family room.  He stared at me with his large, saucer eyes and probably wondered why humans behave as they do.  I shuffled so much with my slippers on the carpet that I shocked another one when I grasped his tail.  He was not impressed.  Still, animals know when energy is positive.  I think they pick up on that far better than people do. 

This afternoon we're running a few errands then enjoying a nice dinner.  Last night as I lay in bed, I listened to the silence.  All I could hear was hubby's soft breathing.  I know that soon, that silence will be rare.  But let me tell you...the sounds of a newborn, for me, are some of the most beautiful sounds in the world.  And you might think, "Sure you say that now...how will you feel in a year?!"  I will feel the same.  One friend asked me why I even wanted a child in the first place.  A lot of people seem to wonder that, more than you would think.  It's not about wanting a child.  It's about knowing that it's intrinsic to who I am.  It's a feeling I cannot begin to put into words and honestly, I don't really need to.  We are going to be parents in three days and that's our dream come true.

Just Four More!

Today we ran some errands and enjoyed the sunshine.  It's still extremely cold but the sun really does make a difference.  After lunch we came home and tried to watch another movie.  Lately we doze off before we get even fifteen minutes into a show.  I think our body is trying to catch as many Z's as possible in preparation.

I found a few more outfits for baby today.  I can't seem to help myself!  She has plenty of newborn clothing.  Hubby wonders how she will ever wear all the dresses and onesies we have waiting for her, because newborns grow so quickly.  I just remind him that like my mom, I will likely change her clothes all the time.  I think my mom changed me about ten times a day.  Maybe a slight exaggeration, but it sure does seem that way from the photos I've seen.

Tomorrow we will likely work out at the rec center.  We've determined that we won't be doing that again for a while.  In fact, I can't imagine being hungry next week.  Obviously I will be at some point, but once baby arrives, I think my every thought will be of her.  Well...it already is.